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[19 Aug 2004|02:49pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Meh. I hate this whole fucking situation.

She keeps hinting at things, which could turn out to mean she likes me, but could also mean something completely different. I want it to mean she likes me, but I know it probably doesnt.

She gets upset when I'm upset and don't tell her what's wrong and she can't fix it. But she doesn't know the reason I get upset is cause I'm jealous of her and know that I can't ever have her. She doesn't want that lable and neither do I.

And maybe I'm blowing my feelings out of proportion. Maybe I like her just because she's something I can't have.

I just wish I knew how she felt.

show me how im guilty

[16 Aug 2004|03:07pm]
im fucking jealous. and i have no fucking right to be. not like shed even like me in the first place. not like anything could even have come of it. she doesnt like girls.....but i dont really either......just when it comes to her. i dont know. i dont even know if i LIKE her. DOING stuff with her doesnt really appeal to me....but i dont want her to get a boyfriend and i want to spend all my time with her.....and i want her to like me....im just fucking confused.
show me how im guilty

[12 Jun 2004|11:14am]
wow its been a loooong time.
i got shafted from taking the acts today cause my stoopid dad forgot to register me.
summers ok....could be better.
and ive decided i have a non-sexual crush.
show me how im guilty

[07 Apr 2004|12:11pm]
The tears streamed down her face, sobs racked her body. She steeled herself and slashed another scream onto her arm. Blood and tears mingled, running down together, embracing each other in their pain. She adjusted her grip and placed the cold steel against her shoulder, warm with blood, slicing again and again. One for her anger. Two for her pain. Three for her religion. Four for her parents. Five for herself. Six for her lonlieness. And it only went on. Too exausted and drained to continue. she lay back, screaming out to God, if there was a God, to rescue her from this pain she felt. Curling into a ball, she lay on her bathroom floor, rocking back and forth, tears and blood streaming in rivulets from her body, the signs of her pain and anger.
She ran to her car, to escape. Running, running, running. She was always running. Climbing inside, she started her car and squealed out into the growing darkness. First, second, third, fourth gear. Now travelling a comfortable 50, the girl flew through stop signs, swerved through curves, and ignored all else but her thought. She ran from those as well. Turning up her stereo to drown out their noise, Atreyu blasted from her speakers. But the thoughts returned...
She had finally fallen asleep on her bathroom floor. When she awoke, she quickly covered her wounds, cleaned the floor, and crept into her bedroom. She didn't really like her room, blue and white with a hardwood floor. Her desk stood in the corner, scattered with books and homework. Opposite her desk, her white bed lay rumpled and unmade from the night before. Clothes lay strewn on the floor, but she paid these no attention. Stowing her knife carefully away, she crept out of her room for a glass of water, not wishing to be heard or seen. But her father was
waiting. She knew what was coming next and dreaded it.
"A C? You have a C? What have i told you about your damn grades? And college...?" She knew what he would say. He always said the same thing, and he said it all the time. He'd start off with the fact she had a C in math, then move on to what a brilliant student she could be if only she would try. And he always talked about college. And how college determined her life. And how, since her father's work was struggling, they could harldy afford anything, especially college. And how she was being selfish. And how she was gaining weight. And how she was ruining the family name with her punk image. And how couldn't she be more like her perfect sisters. She heard it at least once every week, sometimes more, and she was sick of it... "You know, maybe if you dressed in colors other than black and didn't wear those damn bracelets around your wrists, your teachers would treat you differently, and you would get better grades..." She stood up. She couldn't take this anymore. She wore the bracelets to hide her scars. And who ares if she likes the color black. Who really gives a shit if the only thing that really mattered was on the inside? "And just where do you think you're going?" he thundered, "I'm still talking to you!" She just walked out, not even bothering to answer, just walked out. But when she got outside, she ran.
That was before. this was now. The darkness seemed complete. It was raining. She could not have picked a better night if she had tried. Driving faster, shifting to fifth, she sped up to 60. There it was. She turned up her music. The road. 65. Winding, curving, almost losing control. 70. But this curve was too much. The rain spattered on the windshield. The guardrail approached, and her car crashed through, airborne for a split second, then slammed into the ground and the oak tree simutaneously. The car crumpled, as if a giant fist squeezed it as one would squeeze an orange. The stereo was still blasting hard rock into the dead silence of the night. A blonde, bloody head lay pressed against the window. And rain spattered on the broken windshield.
show me how im guilty

[30 Mar 2004|12:32pm]
gah i hate my parents.

my mom found a fanfic i was reading on the internet and it was slashy. oops. she yelled at me for like forever and forbade me to read fantasy anymore. now she thinks im cutting again and am trying to kill myself. i am, but not actively. besides thats not the point. i had them thinking i was fine again and they were giving me back my privileges and shit. now i bet all thats gonna go away again. plus i may have to share a room with my younger sister. mooooooo. gah i dont know if i can do this. the only thing stopping me is the idea that i may die and then suddenly find out im going to hell and then its too late to do anything. cause otherwise i woulndt care. gah. fuck this.
show me how im guilty

someone kill me [27 Mar 2004|08:12pm]
i was sick today after i took the sats so i sat in my bed and thought.
its never really a good thing for me, but i didn anyways.

i figured theres no real reason fer me to be here.
all my school friends talk about me behind my back and make fun of me and are sick of me cause i go to them when i need help. so why do i bother?
every guy i like ends up making fun of me or liking my best friend or doesnt even know i exist.
people who dont know me see me as a freak or poser or loser or loner. take your pick.
my parents hate my music, my sense of dress, basically anything hxc or punk or emo or anything like that.
i dont know if i believe in a god and if hes there im sure he doesnt care cause then why would he let me suffer like this?
i went through depression and cutting and all that shit last year and went to a shrink and stuff and got it "fixed" but i dont really think it worked. cause i want to die.
i really dont care if i die tonight. or if i drive off a cliff. or if i never wake up. orif someone randomly breaks in and murders me.
i dont really see a future for myself. i dont really care either.
itslike that atreyu song-living each day like youre already dead. cause i feel like im just a walking shell. no life really. im already dead.
so someone kill me cause im too coward to do it myself.
show me how im guilty

hee hee this is waaaay too amusing [26 Mar 2004|02:35pm]
Get to know the REAL you by crash_and_burn
Your Name
You Are A:Emo Boy/Girl
Your Favorite Band/SongAreosmith
You Like To Read:Everything
You Firmly Believe In:Nose-picking
Everyone Thinks You Are:God
You Were Conceived:Underwater
You Will Marry:A punk-rawker
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!
show me how im guilty

[26 Mar 2004|11:00am]
so im back from the beach....yay.
that was hell.
at least i have a while before i have to go back to the hellhole i call school.

Kidnap the Sandy Claws
Throw him in a box
Bury him for ninety years
Then see if he talks

hee hee.
show me how im guilty

>>crash into your eyes<< [18 Mar 2004|12:21pm]
[ mood | slit my throat ]

gah school sucks. i cant wait until spring break gets here. 2 more days. but then i have to fucking go to the fucking beach with my family. thats gonna suck ass. esp since my parents are complete stick up the asses. college wont come fast enough.

ive got to go buy a birthday present for a friend, since tommorrows her birthday, but i have no idea what to get her. boo. ah well whatever.

im too lazy to figure out a better layout. ill do that later.

2 twisted the knife deeper| show me how im guilty

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